Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Blog Your Heart

This is a challenge from Stephanie Howell's blog, to blog what is in your heart at the moment....

This one is always in my heart. We've been working on this for a long time. A very long time. Last winter we had a standing frame that we would strap him in so he could stand securely, so his body would know what it felt like to stand, so the standing muscles could get stronger. Finally he was strong enough to stand up when we held him, but he needed a brace for his weak left leg. We'd make some headway, then we'd have setbacks... rough weeks on chemo, surgeries, and lack of motivation. Finally, on December 28th, Collin finally stood up on his own. Of course, I did hold his feet to keep them from slipping out from underneath him while he stood up, but he did all the work. We put this box of presents next to him, and on his own he decided he was going to use it to get onto his knees. Then he decided he was going to put his left foot down and pulled himself up. I'm so proud of him, and I can't wait until I finally have to chase him around the house!

This one hasn't had it so easy either. One minute he's extremely shy, clinging to me, wanting to be wherever I am. Then he's full of energy, uncontrollable, full of opinions and ready to tell stories to anyone who will listen. He does his best when he has structure and routine, even more so when things are chaotic all around him.

I haven't been doing so well this past month. The occasional daily blah didn't go away. I had no motivation to do anything, to clean, to cook. I realized I couldn't enjoy myself because I had this feeling of impending doom... like something big was going to happen and I just couldn't shake it.

Then on December 22nd, Collin spiked a really high fever. Right before Liam's bedtime he threw up and was shivering uncontrollably while I was bathing him. I took his temperature then and it was 101.  Knowing that we would have to take a trip to the hospital and most likely get admitted, I went through Liam's bedtime routine while packing an overnight bag. When Liam was in bed, I took his temperature again and it had jumped up to 103.4. I called the doctor and loaded everything up in the car to go to the hospital. They drew blood from his port and gave him tylenol to make him more comfortable. He made friends with Frosty in the emergency room before we were taken to a room upstairs. He was given a wide-spectrum antibiotic just in case, until the cultures from the bloodwork showed if he had a bacterial infection in his port. He spent most of the next day sleeping, and by Christmas Eve he was back to himself. The doctors originally wanted to keep us in for a full 48 hours to make sure the cultures were negative, but they decided they would let us out several hours earlier... mid-afternoon instead of late night... once he got his fourth dose of antibiotic. Then I was just so happy to be home.. happy to celebrate Christmas with the ones I loved.. that it didn't matter that there wasn't as much under the tree.. that I didn't have the perfect menu planned for Christmas breakfast. We were all four of us together.

Now I'm involving myself in several projects to keep my mind busy. I'm doing a 52 week organization project. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll have everything running smoothly, and everything in a binder so if one of the boys gets admitted Chris can just pick up where I left off. I'm checking out a few weekly photography challenge blogs for inspiration. I've realized that I can't just stop life and wait for something bad to happen.. I need to keep on living, focusing on the moment. But I also have a list of doctors bookmarked. Every cancer mommy goes through a rough period that just can't be gotten through without medication. I'm getting back to being strong again, but I have the backup plan ready just in case I fall back into the blah's and can't find my way out.


  1. oh jenny,my eyes are full of tears right now. the paragraph about collin standing just broke my heart. thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. i wish i could give you a big BIG hug.xxo

  2. Great post, Jen! So heartfelt :) So proud of Collin standing on his own...he must've done it for my DDs birthday on the 28th ;)

  3. Thanks for sharing your heat with us. Good luck with everything. I wish 2012 will bring you all that you wish. Sending you a huge hug and good vibrations from the other end of the planet. Cheers from Bordeaux, FR



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